Friday, September 13, 2013

Sometimes I Hate Myself...

I watched the wind blow this cup around and around...
I hate those with divided loyalties... ~ Psalm 119: 113


When I read this Scripture I mumbled, "Sometimes I hate myself..."

Also, this picture that is in the archives of my photos  and my memory came to mind. I went searching for it. After I found it I sat looking at it for a few minutes. I remember the day I shot it. Early one morning, Sandy, Justin, and I walked a brisk, windy, and sunny beach in Massachusetts. Sea birds darted in and out of the surf chasing small fish and flipped over big quahog shells in search of anything edible. Back off the edge of the shore the sea breeze hassled an empty coffee cup that whirred and spun around and around. Its every revolution left a circular track in the fine sand. For several minutes I stood waiting for it to stop, so I could click the shutter. I recall thinking how the scene I beheld was metaphor for the way I was feeling in my soul--empty and going around and around.

Take a look for just a moment...

Straighten out all those lines etched in the sand. How far would they stretch end-to-end if that cup traveled a straight course? Like that cup, sometimes we quit moving forward and just go around circles. Divided loyalties can be at the root. Our own breaches of spiritual contracts--not the defaults of others--sends us reeling. I say this somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but don't we just hate ourselves sometimes?

David went on to say, But I love your instructions...I intend to obey the commands of my God...Lord sustain me that I may live...Sustain me, and I will be rescued. And save us, He does. We don't have to stay in those endless, meaningless loops; we can break out of those life-sucking vortexes. Aren't you glad that exit begins with simple steps of obedience--and not groveling? Aren't you glad for this reentry-prayer back into the life of God? Our part is to be all-in, one decision at a time. 

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