Saturday, July 9, 2005

The War of Southern Aggression (a week at the cabin)

It was an act of Southern aggression! Five rednecks attacked the Penobscot River and lured members of the Bass family out of their dwellings, seducing them with the promise of a scrumptous meal. The Rebs held over 700 captive. Thankfully, all were released without serious harm.

Maine native Bill Shorey testified, "The Bass family did nothing to incite this kind of treatment. It was no contest. The Rebs were heavily armed, had a well planned attack, and advanced without mercy. The assault was relentless for five full days."

Shorey became an eyewitness of the unprovoked attack when the Johnny Rebs took over his cabin and banished him to a flimsy tent. Huddled in his tent, he was twice stalked by a bear and bravely battled bloodthirsty mosquitoes. "At times I heard golden harps and felt the brush of angel wings. I feel God spared me for some kind of destiny -- once I get through therapy."

The Mainer believes that the mayhem could have been even worse. "One of the attackers was pulled off the front lines and headed back to Dixie. Another, a tall and sinister looking man, suffered battle fatigue and was out of action for one day."

"I was particularly alarmed by the maniacal actions of the one they called 'Pass.' All through the night he would speak in some kind of ecstatic tongue. Every morning he led his partners in a fanatical ritual to prepare them for battle. They would chant, flail their arms, and go into some kind of stomping dance. I don't know if his thunderous threats, 'C'mon boys, let's put something on em' potash won't wipe off!' will ever stop ringing in my ears."

Due to the graphic nature of this adventure, exaggeration is unnecessary. Therefore, in the days ahead, I will bring it with precise, yet brutal, honesty.

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